Security: The Human Need for Something to Lean On

The mental tool for this lesson is remarkably simple. You don’t need to build a complex model; you just need to keep one specific “string” in your mind and look at people through one additional dimension: Security. Security is a fundamental human need that determines both the happiness and the scope of one’s life.

Let’s imagine a scenario. A mother takes her toddler, who has just learned to walk, into a playroom filled with toys. The child is free to play. The mother stays with the child for a while, then leaves, letting the child play alone while strangers occasionally pass through. After a while, the mother returns.

It’s a simple scene, but the child’s behavior during that time predicts a significant portion of their future destiny.

This is a classic experiment designed in the 1970s by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth [1]. Children typically exhibit one of three responses:

1. Anxious Attachment: The child cannot leave the mother for a moment. They are too afraid to play even when she is there. When she leaves, they break down in tears. When she returns, they seek a hug while simultaneously kicking or pushing her away, as if punishing her for leaving.
2. Avoidant Attachment: The opposite of the first. The child immediately finds toys to play with. They don’t cry when the mother leaves and continue playing when she returns, appearing indifferent.
3. Secure Attachment: The response of most children (about 65% to 70%). When the mother is present, the child boldly explores the room, occasionally checking back to confirm her location. They are sad and may cry when she leaves, but when she returns, they immediately seek comfort, dry their tears, and continue playing.

Research shows that attachment styles at age one can predict a child’s popularity at age seven and whether they will be an ideal partner in future relationships [2]. If that child becomes a mother, it will even influence the attachment style of her own children.

You want your child to be in the “Secure Attachment” category.

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The Roots of Insecurity #

A child’s sense of security depends largely on how their parents care for them. Anxious attachment often results from unpredictable care—hot and cold—where the child must scream to lock the mother’s attention onto them. Avoidant attachment may seem like independence, but it’s often caused by long-term parental neglect; the child stops asking for help because they know it’s futile. Interestingly, researchers found that these “indifferent” children actually experience extreme internal stress when the mother leaves, with their heart rates skyrocketing—their coldness is merely a defensive mask.

Does this remind you of certain behaviors in relationships or the workplace? Indeed, people with anxious attachment often worry that their partners don’t love them and are hyper-sensitive at work. If a partner replies to a text five minutes late, their world ends; if a boss gives them a slightly off look, they imagine an entire layoff drama. Those with avoidant attachment often fear participating in love. They seem independent and never trouble others, but they are simply afraid of getting hurt… and isn’t that just another form of fear?

Only secure attachment allows a person to be both intimate and independent, to trust while maintaining clear boundaries. Only such people are bold enough to commit fully to exploration and creation while being able to seek support when injured.

I would argue that secure attachment is a necessary condition for a healthy personality.

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Security as a Bandwidth Saver #

Many people praise “independence,” but humans are not a species naturally suited for it. We are incapable of independent survival throughout our early childhood; without care, we die. Our instinct is to seek reliance, not independence [3].

When you have something to lean on, you have security.

This isn’t just about relational attachment; you need security in all aspects of life and work. Security is the internal conviction that you are in a system that “won’t suddenly collapse”: the environment is predictable, resources are controlled, you won’t suffer unbearable harm, and if something goes wrong, someone has your back.

In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, security is placed as the second level, right above physiological needs.

Without security, your brain’s amygdala runs a high-energy “threat scanning” program. A tiny clue triggers a fight-or-flight response. This program consumes vast amounts of mental “RAM” and “bandwidth,” leaving the prefrontal cortex—responsible for rational planning and creativity—without resources. With security, the brain can enter the “Broaden-and-Build” state [4]: expanding attention and building psychological resources, making you bold enough to explore, create, and express yourself.

Many excessive or strange behaviors in life are rooted in a lack of security.

• Hoarding: Is buying and stockpiling useless things a subconscious attempt to fill an internal security void?
• Boasting: Does someone who constantly brags on social media do so because they lack security and need external signals to confirm their status?
• People Pleasing or Coldness: Both are often signs of not trusting the stability of relationships.
• Defensiveness: A closed mind that cannot take advice is often a result of not having enough protection since childhood.

Security is essentially a “cognitive bandwidth saver.” It frees you from anxiety. This is more useful than “self-discipline” or “ambition”; you must be able to relax before you can talk about anything else.

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Base and Haven #

Where does security come from? John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, provided a beautiful model [5]. Simply put, security comes from social relationships that provide two functions: a Secure Base and a Safe Haven.

1. Secure Base: Like a base camp for mountaineers. It encourages you to go out, explore, take risks, and try difficult tasks. The base provides supplies and confidence. A child playing in a new environment who looks back at their mother is confirming the base is still there. A leader who says, “Go for it! The organization is behind you!” is a base.
2. Safe Haven: Where you go if you fail or if something goes wrong. No matter what happens, this place catches you. If you are hurt, messed up, or just tired, you can always retreat here. Parents who say, “If it doesn’t work out, just come home!” are a haven.

The base encourages bravery; the haven allows vulnerability. The ideal relationship does both. If you have both a base and a haven, you are lucky. As Bowlby famously said:

“Life is best organized as a series of excursions from a secure base.”

Some people are bold and others are timid not because they are inherently different, but because their configurations of base and haven differ.

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Building Your Own Security #

What if you have neither a base nor a haven? What if your parents’ love was conditional and you were always suppressed?

The good news is that security can be learned [6]. You can grow, seek healthy relationships, and build your own security system.

First, you must perceive your attachment style. Realize that your anxious or avoidant tendencies are just old “code” from childhood. You can jump out of that narrative. Next time you want to make “death-trap” phone calls or use the “silent treatment,” use Cognitive Decoupling. Tell yourself: “This is my old program running.” Stepping out of the emotion is half the battle.

Then, become your own safe haven. You have yourself! Practice Self-Compassion [7]: treat yourself as you would a good friend. Don’t be too harsh or too self-pitying. Give yourself a hug, acknowledge the pain, but tell yourself, “I am here, and I am safe.”

Next, create a controllable micro-environment. You can’t control others, but you can control your desk, your schedule, and your finances. This becomes your minimum haven.

With this minimum psychological safety, you can go find allies. Join communities, make trustworthy friends, and find mentors. Every instance of being accepted strengthens your security, making you bolder in interpersonal interactions.

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Psychological Safety in Teams #

Security is not just a happiness metric; it’s a productivity factor. Just as individuals need security to explore, teams need it to innovate.

Google’s “Project Aristotle” [8] analyzed 180 teams and found that the number one predictor of success was Psychological Safety [9]. In a high-safety team, people feel safe to take interpersonal risks—admitting mistakes, asking “stupid” questions, and proposing crazy ideas—because they know they won’t be humiliated or punished.

They feel they have a base and a haven.

Teams with high psychological safety are twice as likely to be rated as effective. They encourage trial and error and learn from mistakes. In low-safety teams, everyone is afraid of responsibility and focuses on shifting blame. They pretend everything is fine while most work is spent on cover-ups.

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Final Advice #

Insecure children are the parents’ responsibility; insecure employees are the leader’s responsibility. But instead of complaining, it’s better to proactively become a source of security for others.

Be a Base: Tell your child to go play; tell your subordinate to try that bold idea—you’ll take the fall if it fails. Genuinely see their strengths. Be a Haven: Catch their emotions when they are vulnerable. Don’t judge; just be there. When your people are in conflict with others, make sure they know you are on their side first.

When you do this, you stop being a taker and become a provider. Others will find you reliable. And you will find yourself becoming unprecedentedly powerful because being leaned on confirms your own strength.

A secure person has both an anchor (safe haven) to keep them from being blown away by storms, and wings (secure base) to escape the gravity of mediocrity.

Security is the order you export to the world. You will become a rare node where people gather to cooperate, establishing long-term relationships and trusting you with their true selves. This is the ultimate social capital.

Being relied upon is the best treatment the world can offer you.

Notes #

[1] Ainsworth, Mary D. S., Mary C. Blehar, Everett Waters, and Sally Wall. 1978. Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.

[2] 精英日课第一季，怎样提高欢迎度；第五季，别相信直觉1：婚恋大数据

[3] Bowlby, John. 1969. Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

[4] Fredrickson, Barbara L. 2001. “The Role of Positive Emotions in Positive Psychology: The Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions.” American Psychologist 56(3): 218–226.

[5] Cassidy, Jude, Jason D. Jones, and Phillip R. Shaver. 2013. “Contributions of Attachment Theory and Research: A Framework for Future Research, Translation, and Policy.” Development and Psychopathology 25(4 Pt 2): 1415–1434.

[6] “Earned Secure Attachment: Transforming Your Insecure Attachment Style.” Attachment Project, December 8, 2022. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/earned-secure-attachment/.

[7] Neff, Kristin D. 2003. “Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Others.” Self and Identity 2(2): 85–101.

[8] Joseph, Lauren. “Is Your Team in ‘Psychological Danger’?” World Economic Forum, April 12, 2016. https://www.weforum.org/stories/2016/04/team-psychological-danger-work-performance/.

[9] Edmondson, Amy C. 1999. “Psychological Safety and Learning Behavior in Work Teams.” Administrative Science Quarterly 44(2): 350–383.